Almost too far

The summer after my freshman year of college, I was 19, unemployed, and bored a lot. My family lived out in the country and I spent a lot of time by myself roaming the fields and woods nearby. One warm afternoon, I got the idea to explore an old abandoned barn a fair distance away from the house for some fun. It felt a bit forbidden, and I had to cross a bit of open field to get there, but once inside I couldn't be seen.

The front of the barn was pretty bright, with a concrete floor, big sliding doors left open and gaps between the planks of the walls. I saw a bucket and a pile of hay twine along with some other junk. There was a cinderblock wall with rungs set in like a ladder, to get to the loft, and to the right of that was an entry to a smaller room that was pretty empty and led to another small room with a high window opening. Back to the main area I saw a bigger opening to the back of the barn, which had a dirt floor and was darker, but had exposed beams where the floor of the loft had rotted. Cooler, and a little spookier.

I went back toward the front with an idea. I'd mostly wanted to just jack off, but I got the idea to jack off in a special way. I had already been tying things around my neck for years. My favorite implement for this was a rubber inner tube. Even when I attached it above my head, I had never been off the floor; just stretched the inner tube tight so I got some effect from it. I didn't have the inner tube today, but I did have a 1 1/2-inch leather belt.

I got the bucket, which was metal and black and about a foot and a half high, and a little of the twine and went back into the second of the little concrete block rooms. The ceiling beam had a couple of big metal staples sunk in deep. I figured I could run the belt through one of them, but how to keep it attached above my head? That's where the twine came in. I looped some of the twine through a belt hole and could reach the second staple so I could tie it. (It's amazing the logistics one can get into with this "hobby.")

So, I set up the black bucket under the beam. I got naked, piling my clothes up on the concrete floor behind me. Then I stepped up onto the upturned bucket. I was already excited. I looped the belt around my neck with the long end coming through the stout buckle, then through the first staple, the one I'd actually be dangling from. Finally I tied the doubled-up twine to the second staple.

I didn't want to kill myself; wasn't even thinking of that. I just wanted to have fun and get off. My dick wasn't completely hard, probably because I was so scared/excited, but it was dripping. I was also a little concerned that I would get found, so I wanted to get to the next step. I figured I'd get hard once I did. I reached up and held the beam, then dangled one foot off the bucket... slowly let go of the beam... while the other foot came off the bucket.

Everything held. I was hanging!

For about 10 or 15 seconds. Then I panicked. I reached up to the beam and pulled myself up enough so I could get my feet back onto the bucket. My legs were wobbly, so I held the beam for a minute or so to keep steady. The belt-noose loosened immediately so I wasn't in any danger. After a couple of minutes I was calm enough to untie the twine and get down. I sat on the bucket, still a little wobbly. I realized I hadn't gotten off yet, so I rubbed one out just to get the release. Eventually I got dressed, but I lingered around the barn a little while just to let any marks or redness around my neck fade. (I'd had problems with visible marks before, but didn't have them this time.) As I left I put the bucket and twine back where I'd found them, and I headed back across the field and through the wooods shaking my head at what I'd just done.

Years later, when I got started "researching" the topic thoroughly, I ran into several descriptions of the effects of hanging. A detail from that day in the barn came back to me when I read about how easy it is to accidentally pass out unexpectedly, and if you see the surroundings start to darken you're just seconds away from passing out. I did have the beginnings of this darkening. As I was beginning to pull myself back up on the bucket, I remember that my vision was beginning to get kind of brown around the edges. I figure I was just a few seconds away from being one of those "accidents" you hear about from time to time. I have to admit, I have had hot fantasies about that experience with just one minor change.

But I didn't want to kill myself, really. I just wanted a little fun.